by Vikram Doctor
At the parents meet (1st November, 2009) one issue that came up was the supposed inability of gay men to form relationships, instead of which they all just go on endless dates and sleep around. I truly dislike this stereotype, both because I don’t think it’s entirely true and because it’s so moralistic, as if having sex was a bad thing when in fact it’s great (or why would we do it?).
I don’t know how coherent I was (while I was responding) – I think I said something about how it was not necessarily true, because I knew lots of people in long term relationships, it’s just that they weren’t particularly public about it, which was understandable – who wants hassle – but also sad, because they could be good role models.
I think I also added that I don’t think lots of dating is necessarily a bad thing because we are trying to create new ways of meeting and partnering, and dating is part of this. I think a better way of putting it might be that this comparison of gay mating rituals with the mating rituals of most straight Indians is a wrong one, because the latter still involves an arranged marriage for most people.
And despite the many serious, or semi-serious, appeals to start a gay arranged marriage bureau, this hardly seems likely. So what we need is to find new mating rituals, and the dating is part of that. At any rate, let’s at least stop comparisons between most Indian marriages, which are arranged, and gay relationships, which can’t be.
I’ve got an interesting view on this from the gay writer, Andrew Holleran, which I can’t find online so I’ll have to type it out, and I don’t have time. So for now, just to get people thinking and hopefully giving their views, here’s a provocative Q&A with the behavioural economist Tim Harford that came in today’s DNA. It’s being asked in a straight context, but can easily be applied to a gay one:
DNA: I am looking for ‘the one’. Is she out there?
Tim Harford: I will answer this question using my favourite piece of economics research, which is about speed dating. In a speed date, you have got maybe 20 men, 20 women, 20 tables, 20 candles, 20 large glasses of beer and 20 large glasses of wine, because everyone’s going to need a drink.
Each man meets a woman for three minutes. They talk to the women for three minutes, which, of course, is a mistake. They should be listening. But they talk. At the end of the date, they move on and they talk to other women. You get to meet everybody at a speed date. Now, a couple of economists — Michele Belot and Marco Franscesconi — have got hold of data on thousands and thousands of speed dates. And also questionnaires that people filled in about their height, weight, income, education etc. All information that we have never had in the past. And we found a lot of fun stuff. Women like tall, rich, well-educated men. Men like slim, educated women who do not smoke. These things were not surprises.
DNA: So what were?
Tim Harford: One thing that is a surprise is that on a speed date, where all the guys are attractive or rich, you might think that women might propose more dates because more people meet her standards. That isn’t what happens. What happens is that the woman immediately raises her standards, thinking, “Hey I never realised that the speed dating market was so great!” She raises her standards, and proposes very few dates. Conversely, a speed dating evening where all the guys are short, and they were all smokers, not educated, not rich, you might expect that the woman might not propose any date. But instead, the Bridget Jones part of the brain kicks in. She thinks, “I never realised that the dating market was so tough. I have got to propose some dates.” And so she lowers her standards.
I know that what I am saying sounds very sexist. But men acted exactly the same way. They raised or lowered their standards depending on the attractiveness of the pool in front.
So what does that mean for the question you have asked? It means that anybody can be ‘the one’, you just have to compare them with the right people. This is because we don’t have fixed standards, that there is this one person, who is the right person for us.
Basically, we are moving our standards up and down all the time depending on what is available.
By the way, if you are ever going on a speed date, make sure you take short, ugly friends with you. It’s going to increase your chances.
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