Zen coming out! “To you my sexuality may be a rude shock, but to me it is a reality I have lived with for 16 years. Every time I wanted to discuss this with you, or raised the topic, I somehow turned away, in fright and fear of loosing you and every one else.”
COMING OUT
by Zen
Two years ago, I finally came out to my best friend, brother and mum.
It seemed so difficult, but once I took that first step things started falling into place.
I assure you it was not easy, but I thank God for giving me the courage to make the right moves and stand up to what I believed in.
Yes, the entire experience emotionally was a strain. Convincing my brother seemed a Herculean task, which in a way was! Surprisingly my mother took it pretty well; of course she had a ray of hope that this was just a passing phase and her son would be normal again. But now she had accepted me for what I am and my better half too. She told me that it was not the right time to tell dad and we should say this to him all together so he knows that I have the whole family support.
I put everything down on a letter, as I felt there were things that I would not be able to say in person. Baring my best friend who I first opened out to It worked for me. Recently, I used this same letter to tell my sister-in-law too.
Dear Ma,
I know that I am not a good son. I condemned myself as being ’selfish’, ’stubborn’ and ‘dirty’. It hurts to know how cruel one is especially when your parents do so much. But I can still proudly say that I have never made any unnecessary demands, I remember the times we were down and out – both your son’s never once had a demand.
The reason I don’t want to marry is because I am gay, and marriage would be a sham and a conscious crime against a woman. I have never intended to harm any one, and I won’t.
To you my sexuality may be a rude shock, but to me it is a reality I have lived with for 16 years. Every time I wanted to discuss this with you, or raised the topic, I somehow turned away, in fright and fear of loosing you and every one else.
My sexuality is not a choice. It is the way God has made me. It is not done to hurt you. And it certainly is not a defect.
In 1985, when I was in the 9th standard, I knew that I was different. Not attracted to women but men. The knowledge crept upon me mysteriously. I just knew. I read everything that there was to read about the subject and learnt that there was no reason for this: 1 out of every 20 humans are like this.
When in college and Business School, I did not know what to do about it. The sense of loneliness was intense, compounded by the fact that I could share this knowledge with no human being.
In my last year at Business School I met a guy called Karan through him I came upon a series of articles in newspapers and through him I met a psychologist, who told me that there were hundreds like me in society. I met many people It was wonderful because I could talk to people who were like me. Those were the days that you mum and dad thought I was meeting Radhika -well she never existed!
Then through the net I met a few men of all backgrounds – rich, poor, educated, good, bad, nasty. Some were living secret lives. Some were rejected by their parents. Some were accepted by their parents. Some had found partners and were sharing their lives beautifully.
I had a choice before me:
1. Marry, and live a secret life (this was unacceptable to me)
2. Stay single for the rest of my life (this was tolerable but painful)
3. Find someone like me with whom I could share my life PARTLY if not
totally (this was desirable)
For so many years, I was alone and miserable. Parents who would never understand me and a brother who could offer no support as they never knew. Friends who lived in a different world. And other men like me with whom I shared my sexuality.
Then, I met this guy in Mumbai – A through an outpersonal column I had listed myself on we got on well – met a couple of times at his office, went out for tea and talked, one fine day when there was no one at his house we met there and got physical (NOT SEX) If I say I did not enjoy it I am a LIAR. We have met a lot of times after that, and were physical but -no sex, I know it is not safe .
I also met B – a computer engineer, He too I met through the column I listed myself on. I am yet to meet a better human being. He has actually led me to better my life. I was a chronic alcoholic thanks to him I have given it up totally. I have had the strength to live with his constant pep talk. We are very good friends. Talk daily. We have never got physical because he has never wanted to.
When in Pune (when I went for Ashish’s wedding ) I met C – he is from IIM We met up through chat, We did share a physical relationship, we spent the entire night and the next day. He is back at IIM last year (was in pune on an assignment)
I have also met AAAA (my Better half) a guy from Eastern suburbs he is a computer engineer. This is where I have decided I have found all the gay friends I wanted,. I and AAAA We share a different kind of friendship, one that is clean and healthy, one that is honest, a relationship that moves beyond just sex, commitment that is forever. Its like two bodies and one united soul – without him life is not just worth — he has the same feelings for me.
You are undergoing a lot of pain. I understand the pain but I cannot change. This is the way I am. To get rid of the pain you have to accept the truth. Or you will spend the rest of your life despising me for something over which I have no choice. I know at this point in time you must be crying, I too am crying but am away from you for a day as I do not have the strength to look you’ all in the eye. I have suffered too long, the rickshaw accident never happened the stitches were because I cut my hand in frustration and despair – the fall after my operation was on purpose, why?? I wanted to feel the pain. On two occasions I had left the house with a note in my pocket with an aim to kill my self, I cried pathetically when leaving home and the building. I even sat in a rickshaw to go to the station but detracted not because I was scared of death – I seriously wasn’t… I was scared what would happen when I am gone. I would ruin an entire family forever; I promise I would never do anything foolish again.
You have a choice before you:
1. Accept me for what I am and nurture a joyful relationship
2. Ignore my life and pretend that I am a ‘wicked’ son
3. Reject me and make nobody happy.
Please, I want happiness…
Love you always.
Your son
SOME THOUGHTS I WOULD LIKE YOU TO REFLECT ON:
Happiness is the only sanction of life;
where happiness fails,
existence remains a mad and lamentable experiment.
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Perfect happiness
is the absence of happiness.
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One Happiness scatters a thousand sorrows.
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However long the night, the dawn will break
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