1. WHAT IS SPIRITUALITY?

2. WHY "GAY" SPIRITUALITY?

3. COMING OUT & FAMILY

4. GOD and FAITH

5. WHO AM I AND WHY AM I HERE?

6. SEX

7. DATING

8. RELATIONSHIPS

9. COMMUNITY

10. HEALING
 

1. WHAT IS SPIRITUALITY?

"It could simply mean going to a deserted beach and watching the sunset."
"To respond to pain. To do small good deeds here and there. Some questions have no answers."
"To reach a higher place"
"Compassion. Faith in God. It's what has been driving me till date."
"Very vast. Hard to define. Questions I cannot answer. Links between people. Things I cannot explain, causes and effects."
"As humans, there is our physical self and a consciousness inside. Awareness of that consciousness is spirituality."
"Series of steps like rituals and concentration".
"Monologue with God - we talk, argue, fight, bond."
"Supermarket of faith for people who have lost their relationship with the Church".
"Asking my inner self for answers. Having a conscience."
"Sweeping the floor could be spiritual too, if I keep my mind in the reality of the now. Being 100% with my mind and body. Journey is very personal and has to be made. Doesn't matter what path you take towards summit, at some point you have to leave base camp."
"To take help from an unknown force. There are so many things over which we have no control. To take power, to lose fear, to help against hazards."
"A child holds a wall before beginning to walk. That learning process to use one's legs."
"In some countries people ask 'so who's your shrink?'. It's a very common questions. Here in India spirituality is the shrink."

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2. WHY "GAY" SPIRITUALITY?

"How many of us feel guilty/ashamed right now about being gay?" {0/24}
"How many of us have ever felt guilty/ashamed about being gay?": {15/24}
"I went through major guilt because the right wing fanatics in my religion prevented me from knowing the queer myths that abundantly already existed in my religion. So I considered spirituality to be a liability to my sexuality."
"Must we look for affirmation towards our religions? Can't we just exist irrespective?"
"Gay Spirituality is not a further subtype, it is merely something special about our minds. Common things - coming to terms, coming out, being different, alone, religious conditioning. My desires. There are sub-themes."
"What is my journey? Given by the holy books?"
"We must use common sense. If something is wrong, we must question why. Unfortunately common sense is not so common. One must strike a balance between heart
and head."
"Are we sinners? It is only gayness as a factor that is added to our personalities. First we must be comfortable with ourselves. Since the age of 13 I have lived my life according to a statement in the Bhagvad Geetà: [Svadharmam Nidhanam Shreshtham, Paradharmam Bhayàvahah]. It is best for me to die having lived my intrinsic nature, having lived someone else's life, death will be frightful. So I decided not to ruin the life of a woman and be honest to myself and my loved ones. Each one can dig into their own religions and find such means of support."
"Gay people are more spiritual. Their yin and yang is balanced. Karl Gustav Jung described 5 differences of queers from heteros - they were friendships/relationships, teaching, interest in nature/history, creativity, and spirituality. Friedman ascribed an increased sensitivity to and value for others, spontaneity and an orientation towards the present, living in the moment."

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3. COMING OUT & FAMILY

"Gay men are generally well-to-do and have well-paying jobs as compared to the rest of the population. (No they aren't - someone) There are no hard pressing liabilities (yes there are - someone). But there is no peace. There is just an unending quest. For sex. For a life partner. Most times relationships don't work. I am never at peace. Always searching. How can I be at peace?"
"Just being in society makes the gay child unstable and feel abnormal. Men marry women. Hence I am a freak. Gay children should be made aware that they are just as normal and included in the cosmic scheme of things as everyone else, and will ease the journey to self-acceptance."
"Consider "Believing" and "Experiencing". We can see on devotional TV channels how people believe what they experience and experience what they believe. When I was studying abroad I was at peace but my parents had learnt about it but not accepted my sexuality. Being with them there was no contentment. When I went to a healing center abroad, I was told that there would be a 90% chance of disappointment if you wanted quick fixes. Assuming everything is status quo, what path do YOU want to pursue? For me it was reading, movies. I did lots and lots of that. What did I want for myself? And I decided to come out."
"Family expectations are linked to religion at times, like wanting the lineage to continue, wanting a male grandchild etc."
"My family is disappointed. But my mother has to grow. She has to do the rest. What you can do is let your parents know that you are the same loving and affectionate son that you always were. In fact more so than before. In all cultures, I have yet to see a parent who defies the statement that ultimately, my child's happiness comes first. At the deepest level, they all feel that. The trick is to take the initiative and help them know where your happiness really lies."
"But is being happy such a great goal? Imagine a happy cow tied inside a stable, with no worries, fed and milked, but with no freedom to even move out. Contrast this with a deer who can bound about anywhere in the forest, but is endangered by a thousand predators. Which would you like to be?"

[Showed brochures of "Answers to your questions about sex and sexuality" in English and Marathi, and they were all taken away.]

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4. GOD and FAITH

"In my religion the ultimate goal is liberation from the cycle of death, or Moksha. One must shed one's attached karma to achieve it. I felt that since my homosexuality meant not marrying and being trapped in Samsàra, I was on the fast track to Moksha."
"As a shrink, I use the religion of the patients to help them tide a crisis. If he is Muslim, I use my knowledge of Islam. I had a Catholic patient who was convinced he was going to hell. I read his holy book and printed out sheets about heaven and hell being all within. All that was needed was to see the same information with his own eyes, from his own perspective. Also psychiatrists have a small role to play. It is queer-peer acceptance that's important - other gay people who have been through the same, survived, wisened up. Also consider being gay - its not really about other people - its about the feelings that are generated inside you when you see or interact another same-sex person - romance, lust, attraction, excitement. It's what you are feeling inside that responds to the external, and keep a faith in that."
"Need a lot of inner strength to get through life. Not everyone has it. It's hard, not being able to share my life with closet persons. That is where groups like Humsafar and Gaybombay have come in. By providing a place for thousands and thousands of gay men to share their existences, lives, joys and sorrows, they have unwittingly provided that service."

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5. WHO AM I AND WHY AM I HERE?

"Does it matter?"
"Done a lot of soul searching. Prayers don't make sense. I know them by heart but don't want to rattle them off anymore. I want to be a good human being, compassionate, constantly evolving. Want to connect to a divine force that exists."
"To claim my own space. I have decided I am going to have it all. Have an honest, proud, open life as a gay man, also expect and share everything with my family like a normal Indian son, the love of my parents, the respect of the family, my house, my inheritance, my business, everything. Often it is our negative self-fulfilling prophecies, our believe that something has to be given up to get something, which manifest themselves."
"To look within, to fragment it all into questions."
"I wonder a lot about what will happen to me after I die. I believe in rebirth. I want to achieve salvation. But if not, at least I want to be reborn in a higher noble life form, human again, and not as a plant or a goat."
"If your house and clothes are on fire, will you worry about how the house caught fire or will you jump into a tank of water and save yourself? Worrying about what happens after death is not called for when there are so many things one can be doing while alive."

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6. SEX

"How many of us have tried an enforced celibacy for a certain amount of time?" {14/24}
"I read an excellent book by Osho called 'Sambhog se Sanyàs tak'. One has to go through sex even to approach celibacy."
"Sex with whom and for what? Never felt guilty after waking up after sex when in a relationship, but did feel it after one-night stands."
"The two characteristics of orgasm and deepest meditation are the same - timelessness and selflessness. If two individuals are in that state and meet, then it is the highest union. Because each one has meditatively reached his peak. There is no third characteristic. And this is within the realm of the mind, not like nirvana."
"If one is working within, all desires come down, peel away naturally, in layers. Not by suppression - such action will only lead to reaction."
"I cannot relate sex to spirituality - sex is about life, death, disease. When I look at it through love, it works."
"But sex is like hunger and thirst! In fact more primal than them - We all know what happens in trains. Sex connects people. Energies get used up."
"How about honesty as spirituality in sex - about your marital, health, relationship status. As simple as that. Or concern for the other person. For example during sex if I have discharged and he hasn't."

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7. DATING

"Can we date "deeper" by exploring someone's spiritual side? How does that work?"
"No, because people get put off if you do discuss more than mundane things. It becomes very intense and suffocating."
"We are not willing to jump, to let go, to be ourselves. At a deeper level we feel nothing will come of it. We self-fulfill our pessimism of a break-up".
"At the same time, one should be open to the possibility of a break-up and not get heart-broken each time."

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8. RELATIONSHIPS

"How does one's faith concern finding love? Settling down with a same-sex partner? Do spiritualities matter when we are already so marginalized?"
"You cannot love a clone. Differences don't matter."
"When I first got into a long term relationship, my faith actually helped me, because I'd learnt that day in and day out, ‘homosex’ had existed since time immemorial."
"Same faith can be a real bonding factor. For example, I am very close to people I pray with."
"Can an atheist be with a believer? Can a spiritualist be with a rationalist?"
"I have a friend. Every time he gets into a long term relationship, his trips start. To the temples, churches, dargahs with his lover. All places of pilgrimage. Really helps them to bond."

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9. COMMUNITY

"Can we benefit from a richer sense of family and community? Can we create a more affectionate and loving gay world?"
"Right now most of us just think of ourselves as God's way to control population!"
"By being truthful and honest, and not depriving a woman of a happy life, and taking a stand to be courageous and honest in spite of all the problems is in itself a service to the community."
"There are many, many gay people working in hospitals, hospices, old age homes etc., who are serving the larger community at the very moment."

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10. HEALING
"Can we heal the wounds that homophobia, fear, ridicule, shame, guilt and hurt have caused us?"
"Spirituality cannot substitute medical intervention - during depression, for example. No need to be obsessed with it at all times".
"Being a psychologist and a Vipassana instructor I feel I can answer that by using an analogy of drowning. Medicines merely keep you afloat. What will pull you out of the water is your spirituality."
"It doesn't matter what family background you come from. Really devoted, religious people can be very accepting and tolerant, while liberal, modern people can be very homophobic. Generation gap with parents does not matter. Finally it's all in your hands. Those who want to make it work do so against all odds. Those who cannot/don't want to make it work fail to do so even with all favourable factors present."
"The question is: is my mind at peace at this moment? Don't get caught in the word 'peace' or 'happy'. If you make it a 'goal' it leads to craving and yearning. Then there is no difference between craving for salvation and craving for a one-night stand."
"In J Krishnamurthy centres there is a silence room - you don't go there to get silence, rather you take silence in there with you."
"There are 2 ways to deal with obsessive homophobes. One is to make the person comfortable over time. The other is to confront them, tell it to them on their face, yes I am gay. They are then taken aback."
"I learnt to forgive. I would have to meet someone at work who viciously harmed me, every day. But when I decided to face my demons, my venomous attitude just died away, and I could deal with that person without any problems."
"I was bullied for the way I walked. So much so that leaving the house would cause me nervous shaking. At one point a bunch of local boys were standing at a distance. I had to walk or turn back. I walked on. That was a turning point for me.

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The meet ended at 9pm.

Thanks to all 24 of you who came. This was the first time we discussed this subject. For many of you it was your first meeting. Everyone participated in a complex, intricate discussion with wholeheartedness and patience. Thanks for sharing.

A big special thanks to Parth. As both a psychiatrist and spiritual practitioner, you gave value to the meeting in a way we never could have. Your explanations and opening up of perspectives for us, in such an easy manner, made the discussion understandable and gave it all a sense of direction. Thanks for coming down.

Finally I would like to end this report with a quote from USA's Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin (Wisconsin), speaking from the stage of the Millennium March on Washington:
"If you dream of a world in which you can put your partner's picture on your desk, then put his picture on your desk and you will live in such a world. And if you dream of a world in which you can walk down the street holding your partner's hand, then hold her hand and you will live in such a world. If you dream of a world in which there are are more openly gay elected officials, then run for office and you will live in such a world. And if you dream of a world in which you can take your partner to the office party, even if your office is the US House of Representatives, then take her to the party. I do, and now I live in such a world."

Warm regards
Sachin

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