UNDERSTANDING THE LESBIAN

By Simmi Dhanda Sakhuja

She is eight years old. In a rush of affection, she hugs and perhaps kisses her friend. She doesn't know what it's all about. It makes her feel good and she continues to do it. She has her first crush when she is 12 years old.

As she matures into a full woman, her stimulation increases and her attraction continues - only for women. She realises it and keeps it within. No one around her feels the way she does or recognises it. Then begins the trauma, of confusion and isolation. Her friends talk of boys and she tries hard to relate. Somewhere she picks up the word 'lesbian'. Now she knows how she could be categorised and looked upon as 'queer'.

She gets in touch with others like herself and they all keep it their secret. A closeted life begins. Time goes by till she comes to terms with her sexuality and
identifies herself as a 'lesbian'. Or maybe not. 
 

THE SOCIAL LINE
Why? Because there are parameters that indicate, 'Hey, you are abnormal' and so many social constraints to fight against. There is always a label floating around for all those who don't conform to the one choice that society permits - heterosexual relations. It corners her.
 
What is this woman-to-woman relationship about? "It's as simple as any other relationship of love between two people," says *Rekha in Delhi. "The only
difference is that here two women are involved. They share their emotions, feelings, the highs and lows of their lives, and of course, sex is a part of it," she
explains.

THE FIRST STIRRINGS
How does it begin? Is this attraction inborn? "Well, it's really varied. You can't generalise across all age groups. There are women who feel that they have
always been like this. There are still others who have discovered their attraction for women, in their 40s," says Ruth, the co-coordinator of Sangini, a helpline and support network for lesbian / bisexual / transgender women in Delhi.

Talking about herself, she says, "I was heterosexual until the age of 20 or 21. Then I realised that it wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't find it sexually satisfying, emotionally fulfilling and spiritually correct to be with a man."

Describing lesbian relationships, she says, "They are not only about sex. There are other factors that come first and then lead to sex, like in any other heterosexual relationship - eg the movie Fire. The movie depicts how, in a joint family, it is easy for women to form close relationships. Then the relationship also becomes a sexual one because of various factors."

Ruth busts the myth that women turn to lesbianism when they are either dissatisfied in their marriages or have been sexually abused at some point in their lives by men. In her view, "Then in India, we should have an extremely large population of lesbians, because the rate of sexual abuse by husbands and men is very  high."

But in some cases, it is true. Lisa in Mumbai said that she turned lesbian because she was completely put off by men. She had been repeatedly sexually abused by
a man in her childhood and later raped by another. Certain incidents in life could also trigger a lesbian relation. "It's also how vulnerable you are at that moment and who you turn to," she confides. 

NATURAL VS UNNATURAL
"People have called it unnatural," says Ananiya, a member of Stree Sangam, a helpline and support network for gay and bisexual women in Mumbai. "It feels so
right for me, so why should it bother someone else?" Geeta Kumana, recalling her childhood, said, "In my personal belief, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Society said so, but I did what came naturally to me."

To still others, it's a misconception that a lesbian wants every woman that passes her way.

Anika in Delhi laughingly questions, "If you are a straight woman, do you get attracted to every man that you meet? This is complete madness. Women talk like
this because they have their own unidentified fears."
With references to homosexuality being amoral, the girls question back: "What morality is heterosexual society talking about? Look at the number of extra-marital affairs. Aren't two people here exercising their sexual preferences? Is that
permissive?"

THE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING
Society does set different norms which may be hypocritical at times. It definitely does not give space to or acknowledge anything different from a man-woman relationship. To most, everything else is deviant. Lesbian relations become hidden and locked inside a person. Or the woman turns to bisexuality.

Bisexuals are looked upon as being extremely promiscuous, with multiple relationships. It is considered that the field is open to them because they are always attracted to both the sexes. Or that they are sitting on the fence not knowing what they want.

In reality, their world is something like this. There are different types of people who are identified as bisexuals, e g married women. On one side, they have a husband who they must have sex with because it is their duty or conjugal obligation. They categorise themselves as bisexual, because they do have sex with the man, though their personal preference is for a woman.

Then, the other women who claim to be bisexual are the ones who prefer women, but are also romantically, emotionally and sexually attracted to men. They might
have had a relationship with a man six to seven years ago, but the second or the next relationship was with a woman. It's not that they switch day by day.

Ananiya says, "It's perfectly fine for me to understand that a person wants to be with men and women. It's the understanding that you have of the word 'sexuality'. Sexuality to me is very dynamic and fluid in nature. It's looking at a preference which is subject to change with time and experiences as you grow in life."

Once lesbians and bisexual women come to terms with their own sexuality, they usually come out to their families about their sexual preferences. As singles,
they mostly live with their families or in some cases, by themselves. Lesbian couples live on their own.

"I socialise with my family, and most of my friends are straight men and women," says Anika. "My mother and friends understand me and love me the way I am.
All that is important is how I am with them as a daughter and a friend."

KEPT UNDER WRAPS
Neena lives in Mumbai with her girlfriend and does not view herself as ostracised from society. She reveals, "A lot of my friends are straight and accept me for
who I am, otherwise they wouldn't be my friends at all. Other than them, I have bisexual, transgender, gay men and women friends. I do feel the need to socialise with them equally. There is a need to be around people who understand you better and where you don't feel the need to explain everything that you do."

At times, it is difficult to turn to a family member or a straight friend to talk of break-ups, or to help you withstand social and family pressures.

The hangouts are the same as for everyone else - cafes, restaurants, theatres, movie halls, bars, and nightclubs depending on their socio-economic status in
society. Gay parties are, however, a very closeted affair, and are usually held in the privacy of their homes. There are no strictures put out for their demonstration of affection towards people from the same sex.

What do they do and talk about? "What kind of a question is this? What do you heterosexuals do and talk about? The same things. It depends on who you are
talking to - you talk art, talk books, talk shop, gossip, maybe flirt here and there, whatever," they all say.

The only difference is that their parties are open only to their community. The gay group is tight-lipped and protective. One may not find one's way into them easily. There are many married, working women who don't want to be seen in gay groups by either their families, neighbours, acquaintances or colleagues.

The fear of being stigmatised looms large. Ananiya points out, "If we are known to be gay and are known for our association with the gay community, we get ostracised and treated like criminals when it comes to housing and jobs. Though I live on my own, I have to be careful that my neighbours don't find out - I could
lose my apartment." 

We live our lives comfortably when issues of homosexuality and bisexual relations are not brought up. It's easy to live in denial and pretend it doesn't exist - 'invisiblise' the issue and move on. But the minute these subjects are raised to one's face, hell breaks loose and we start to fight it. Why? Because as a society we refuse to recognise homo-sexuality. It may not be such a bad idea to see it as another sexual choice.

DOING THE STORY
Just as you start on a story, you talk to groups and individuals. So I picked up the phone and started to ask women I knew, "Do you know any lesbians?". Instead
of a straight answer, some sternly questioned, "Why are you asking me?" Or after a brief talk, "Why do you want to know?"

Face to face, women reacted with a pause more than men. Many tried to conceal their surprise or awkwardness at saying 'yes', 'no' or 'I don't know these sort of people.' (For all those who don't know, you might be with one). 

Not just that. A male buddy of mine replied, "Oh yes I do. What kind of a joke is this, 'Do I know any lesbians?"' Since I did not get many leads, another guy suggested I should masquerade as one. Next time, I thought a veiled approach would be better. 

I asked a celebrity if she wanted to speak on a woman-to-woman relationship. Justifiably she questioned further, "What kind?" "The emotional and the physical one," I answered. "Oh absolutely not, definitely not me," was the reply.  Another celebrity from the media said, "Who asked you to speak to me?" Since I wasn't into giving names, the visibly angry celebrity questioned further, "Whom all have you
spoken with?" I still wouldn't tell, except for the names that my story discloses. End of conversation.

As most of my friends knew I was working on this story, the men were more interested to know if any of the women had made a pass at me. They also wanted to know what my reaction would be if one of them did. The answer was: A pass by a man is any day repulsive. Almost all the women I spoke to from the lesbian
community wanted to know what prompted me to do this story. Well, the idea came from Femina and the editor shall answer that.

SHABANA AZMI DISCUSSES THE FILM FIRE

What's your perspective on lesbian relations having dealt with it in the movie Fire?
 
Fire wasn't only about lesbian relationships. To me, essentially, Fire was a key - a peg towards trying to understand 'the other' - the other religion, other race, other nation - anything that we view as outside of our self.

It was about whether we could empathise with these two women who fall in love with each other. We have treated this issue in India by pretending that this does not exist, as we do with most other issues we are uncomfortable with. If you want to deal with an issue, the first thing that you have to do is accept that it exists.

Then, as a society that calls itself tolerant and all-encompassing, you have to work out a relationship to include those marginalised sections of society, who you don't necessarily understand. Fire for me was an opportunity to present that point of view.

I knew some people would react with wonder, some with anger, some with total acceptance, some with rejection and some with inquiry. That's the first step in
dealing with it - when you can inquire rather than reject. So Fire provided that opportunity. A large number of people who spoke to me from different sections of society seemed to have liked it, rather than disliked it."

COMING THROUGH THE AGES
Homosexuality has an ancient history in India, with references to it found in texts like the Rig Veda and then again in the Kama Sutra. Sculptures found in ancient sites across India, clearly depict homo-sexuality.

It is believed that suppression of homosexuality began with the advent of Brahminism; the Manusmriti laid down severe punishments for women indulging in
homosexual acts. The suppression was reinforced by British Colonialism.

Viewing homosexuality as a 'new' phenomenon, or one that has entered the country because of 'Western media' (the favourite punching bag!) is thus, rather
erroneous. It is not a freakish development of modern society, nor something to be dismissed as a 'problem' individual. It is a state of being, one that has seemingly existed through the ages.

Legal Aspects
In Indian statute books, while there is no explicit mention of homosexuality - as in, the persecution of a person due to sexual preferences, Section 377 of the Indian Penal code lists the sexual act of sodomy as a criminal offence. The International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC), in association with organisations for homosexuals in India, have been actively campaigning to have this statute amended. 

There is also a call being made on the National Human Rights Commission to end psychiatric abuse against homosexuals. As Ashok Row Kavi, activist and editor of
Bombay Dost, puts it, "This Aversion Therapy which includes electro-shock therapy is something that has come about in the last 15 to 20 years in India - after it was banned in the US and Europe." 

Trends Today
Speaking about homo-sexuality in India, he says, "This is not some new trend; people don't become homosexual just to be part of some trend. It is only coming to
light now because an old safety network has disappeared with the breakdown of the joint family. Even within nuclear families, the parents are at work.
That's why people call helplines. They need outside help to deal with the turbulence they go through about 'coming out'.

Today, there are around 35 organisations for homosexuals - in the space of eight years - that says something." He adds, "Earlier, when I used to organise gay parties, it was difficult to find 60 to 70 people attending. Today, you could have crowds going up to 300." But despite a degree of homophobia, there are signs that homosexuality is being seen in a more tolerant light.

Ashok points out, "I think we - Humsafar Trust - are the only organisation to receive government funding - from the Mumbai District Aids Control Society. This
reflects a big change in the mind set. "

'MY STORY': TRUE-LIFE ACCOUNTS

Geeta Kumana Of Aanchal
It took me a very long time; I came out very late - when I was 29 years old," says Geeta Kumana, 35, director of Aanchal, a helpline and support group for lesbian and bisexual women in Mumbai. "I was seeing women at 22. At that time, I was going through an inner conflict, wondering, 'What will society say?'.

So I was also seeing a man. He didn't know about the woman, but the woman knew about him. Slowly, that relationship ended and then, there was another woman.  Finally, I started coming to terms with the fact that I was gay. For a while, I was bisexual because in India, unlike in developed countries, bisexuality as a term gives one the comfort that you may be 'straight' sometimes. Actually, the man was a front and the woman was my preference.

By 31, I had accepted that I was a lesbian. My relationships were deeper with the women than with the man. The way I felt for the woman and the way I would
kiss her, did not come close to how I felt for the man. I can't understand how you can like a man. I can't feel that loving and caring thing for a man.''
 
Nastasia, Mumbai
Nastasia, working with a publication in Mumbai, says, "You connect to society at many other levels beside your sexuality, and it's not that you are totally isolated. But preferences are 'invisiblised' and you remain in the closet for most of your life until you decide. Coming out to myself was the biggest thing that I did.

Religion was a big issue. Being Catholic, I had to combat my feelings of homosexuality. My dad was a great support. My mother had passed away, so I did not have the chance to share it with her, which is very sad. She sort of guessed when I was very young and she would tell me these horror stories of gay and transgender women - how they were ostracised by society and how physically, they started developing hair on their chest!

After a while, we stopped connecting with each other as a mother and daughter because of my mom's refusal to accept the way I was growing.

I was 17 when my dad saw me with my girlfriend. Initially, he was very upset and angry. Since I was with an older woman, he thought that she was leading me astray.

Then, I told him that it had been happening for a long time, only he had not known about it. Life became easier after he accepted me the way I was.''

Ananiya's Story
Ananiya, 23, says, "All the time I was in school, I had no understanding of my preferences though I always found myself attracted to women. At 18, I heard the
word 'queer'. I liked it and identified with it.  The question about whether I was right or wrong never occurred to me. There was a lot of angst and questions that needed to be answered - do I love women, what does it mean, how do I see life from that perspective; where are these people I can identify with and relate to? There was also a fight within and a constant fear - is this something I want? How would my parents and society react?

There was a complete lack of support. In college, there was no one I could really speak to. There was nothing talking about my reality as part of the curriculum. It took me a good year to come out and recognise myself as 'queer'.

Coming out as a lesbian was a homecoming. It marked a sense of clarity. I became comfortable with my body, my senses and gained a whole new perspective to life.
It was a joy to be able to see myself as I actually am - a lesbian.''

Sheela Of Sangini
Sheela, 34, a member of Sangini in Delhi, reveals, "The nuns in school first noticed my behaviour - the way I would always stick to women, holding hands and at a film show I would sleep in someone's lap, smooching my friends. My parents were informed. They took me to a psychiatrist who declared that I was abnormal.

At the age of 12-13, I was treated with electric shocks and medication that left me completely like a zombie. For a while, I missed school and remained within myself. I came out in the open only after my parents died in 1989. Today, I will stand anywhere and against anything to help a lesbian come out."

Neena's Account
Neena, 31, says, "When I was 18 years old, I went up to my parents and told them that I was in love with a woman. I was very happy about this person coming into
my life and I wanted to share it with my parents. They were quite unhappy when they first heard of it. They felt that something had really gone wrong. There was
no drama, but we had a series of discussions and with time, they came to accept it.

The men and women in my family reacted differently. For the men, it was, 'Oh she doesn't like men' as if it was a complete rejection of all of them. The women were more concerned about 'What's your life going to be, what will society say?' I have grown up and demonstrated that I am very happy to have a woman in my life."

THE WORD 'LESBIAN'
It is believed that the word 'lesbian' comes from the island Lesbos, where the 6th century BC Greek poet Sapphos - who was a devotee of the Goddess Aphrodite -
had a school for girls.

Much of Sappho's poetry deals with relationships between women - from friendship to love to even physical intimacy. It therefore came to be assumed, long after her death, that she had been a homosexual. Thus, the term lesbian, which first meant "an inhabitant of Lesbos", was eventually applied to homosexual women.

HELPLINES AND SUPPORT GROUPS:
MUMBAI:
STREE SANGAM, P O Box no 16613, Mumbai 400019;
streesangam@rediffmail.com;
AANCHAL, aanchal69@hotmail.com

DELHI:
THE SANGINI PROJECT, c/o Naz Foundation, P O
Box 3910, Andrew Ganj, New Delhi 1100049;
sangini97@hotmail.com;
Prism - prism_delhi@yahoo.com

CALCUTTA:
SAPPHO - sappho1999@rediffmail.com;
malvi99@hotmail.com

BANGALORE:
SAHAYA; Tel: 080 2230959;

PUNE:
OLAVA, P O BOX 2108, Model Colony, Pune 411016;
olava_2000@yahoo.com

GOT COMMENTS OR QUESTIONS? E-MAIL US AT
femina@timesgroup.com WITH 'COVER STORY- THE LESBIAN'
IN THE SUBJECT LINE.

**********
 

http://femina.indiatimes.com/ArticleShow.asp?ArticleID=21552179

Back to Index!